Daemon_Rising

Sep 7 2014, 09:16 AM

All things considered, it takes tremendous courage to speak as much as you have about your life and I applaud you for that courage. I wish we all could have been there for you back then, I am sure we could have eased your burden a little more. While I haven't had a life as hard as your own, I hope you accept my words when I say I can empathize with you somewhat. Your insecurity will go away as you talk more here, trust me on that. This is a fantastic group to be around and you will find a friend pretty much in every single one of us to some degree. I wish you well in your life and know that if you ever need an ear and you can't get one from your real life contacts, we all are more than willing to be here for you.

Nerd_Girl_TD

Sep 7 2014, 06:18 AM

If you've read... my posts you can see that I'm a bit insecure. Not many people knows why. Only my mom, Pudd, and My best friend Nia. I feel..I should try to tell more people but I'm really.. Shy and I have a tendency to focus way to much on people's opinions on myself. I look back on my life which honestly makes me cry sometimes. I like to think positive and believe it's always someone with a worst situation and there's nothing to commit suicide about. If ..I didn't think like this I probably would become crazy and just in up in an Asylum. Here's my story.

Growing up in Owings Mills MD my family wasn't the richest you can say. Which sorta shows as I'm relatively new to the internet. My clothes until five years ago were mostly tank tops and Khakis. Even today it's my preference due to me being used to it. My father was 6'10 and had a rather unique way of life. In turn his entire family has a similar view. I'm considered a disappointment. In their eyes since Middle school era. I'm not sure the exact age I was...I apologize. My father wanted an over achiever for his kids. My older sister provided everything my dad wanted.

There's a bit of jealously on my end but... it was more of her being my role model. My sisters had it all. She ran track, volleyball, very pretty, long hair, extremely intelligent, attracted many boys, she can draw, dance, sing, played instruments, and just perfect. She can do anything. Here's myself as I heard my father say behind my back as "the other child". I can't do half of these things. My talents aren't of my father's interest. I'm shy, a master at doing hair, I like to edited and produce, and being a volunteer nurse.

My mother sadly wasn't around much for reasons I'm not aware of. She came back permanently 2 years ago. That leaved me..with my dad. My father nitpicked a lot. For starters my hair.
When I was younger.. I just hated hair. I saw my sister and just wanted to be the opposite.

Spoiler: click to toggle

I would cut my hair down and somehow make it work. I'm glad I got out of this phase as I look better with longer curly hair.

Spoiler: click to toggle

He would make remarks about it. "Bald girl", "Eagle", "Cancerous", and "Charlie Brown". Just rude remarks that made me wonder if I'm the ugly child. With my lack of talents he comments I don't try or I'm embarrassing him. He would say stuff like "this is why you don't have a boyfriend" or "if you was cuter like your sister boys would pay attention to you". Little he knew my older sister was the school "lovely lady". I believe she had about 20 boyfriends in H.S. I won't talk about her Rooster in The Booster as it's not my place or my business. My father pretty much called my appearance trash. My sister didn't help with teasing friendly to just being mean.

This made me subconscious bout my appearance. If someone looks at me. I fix my clothes and hair. Which made things worse since I kept playing with myself. With my lack of intelligence at the time as I didn't know much. Kids would love to stare for a good laugh at my answers. For example 5 x 5 is 25. I would say 35 or 30. I have mom to help me now. During Middle school I like most hit puberty. Which led to things getting bigger. Like boobs, period, legs, height, and style. My school had uniforms but my button down got a bit tight. Which made things revealing. I won't fault the people who make sexual comments about me but hearing words like "She might be as bad as her sister" or "w***" really hurt.

One day the principle got upset and said I was being inappropriate. He sent me home. My father ranted about my lack of social skills cause me to become a w***. I got my first beaten. Luckily my only. My sister laughed at the beating even though she knew that my body was changing. My grandparents treated me like I was a lovely lady. "You shouldn't open your legs for attention" she proclaim. Around this time with my father bashing me everyday to my entire family thinking I'm a failure compared to my sister Unique(Footnote: I use Unique a lot because of her name). I started to embrace it. I was under the mindset of if I'm so ugly and wasteful I should show the world. I gained alot of weight and let my hair grow. At this time period I was extremely shy and insecure but I just hated how the world treated me. During school I would get tease with weight jokes and messy hair. I...resented everyone..... Don't laugh please...but I was so unstable that I started teasing imaginary friends.

Around this period I found out someone named Pudd liked me. I knew him for a long time but thought he was a bit strange. I didn't know how it felt to be liked. One day I was waiting for my bus and he said hi to me. I ignored him at first because I thought he had jokes. Even Pudd doesn't know that I never hated him or disliked him. I just assumed he was a bully. He kept playing with my hair until my bus came. Before I left he gave me a comic about Shang Chi. So I credit Pudd for my love for Shang Chi. This repeated until he went into the Highschool building. He still ever now again said hi to me.

In the 8th grade I had another incident. As a result of my sister being caught in the Horse's shed(our school had horseback riding)....doing actions that shouldn't be done. I was put against a locker and he wanted me to behave like Unique. He was a 12th grader. He commented on my stuff being much bigger than Unique's....stuff. Stuff being chest. Luckily he gave it and left. I tried to tell my father... who said it's because I portray myself like one. My eighth grade year was pretty much me just being insulted. I just kept my head high as you should stay positive.

During that summer when I enter highschool I lost a lot of weight. To become my normal size. I started dying my hair different colors. It's also the year that I got the internet, cable, and my first phone. I have to say that highschool I wasn't as insecure. I credit that to my best friend who is my REAL sister Nia. She was more of a sister than Unique. Nia even sorta look liked me. She doesn't want her picture shown so you won't see the comparison. But Allie Fox, Pudd, and LeeLee can vouch for me. We met the first day of highschool. She's opposite of myself in terms of her actions but our personalitys play off each other so well. I'm the hyper overly excited girl to her loudmouth blunt style. You wouldn't tell cause I'm shy but I get excited very easily.

Every good thing comes with bad. Pudd thought she was me at first which led to him making comments towards her. I appeared seeing Pudd the first time in months. I just rolled my eyes. Looking back he was annoying. Nia helped with self confidence and did the greatest thing ever. We became so close I lived at her house. Her father became my second dad. Her mom was a second mom. I earned money by doing chores and I felt for once I wasn't being insulted or viewed as a mistake. I lived with T until mommy permanently moved home. Should note that my middle school graduation was the same year as Unique graduation. Which in effect led to praise for her. Well deserved praise but left zero for myself.

I don't want to stay on the topic for too long but. I got into anime at this time. Well I've seen some but not alot before this. I joined some club. I don't even remember the name. But Pudd joined too because I joined. I always thought he knew my sister but besides a few "hey" and "hi" here and there he never spoke to her. I just assumed he liked me cause I was related to Unique. After school one day as I was walking to my locker with Nia I saw Pudd. He waved hi. Nia being the amazing friend that she is called him over. I asked him why he liked me. He told me. And it was a good reason. So in one of the mixed classes I chose him as my partner. We went to his house and things just happened. Thus he's my boyfriend. Has been since that day with some break ups but he's my first and only boyfriend.

I'm sorry if I praise Goken on here a lot. I owe him for a lot of
confidence I have. Same goes for Nia. There are more people that became my friends but those two I truly love.

I'll talk about my internet experience that impacted how I act on here. I've been called out of my names many times. I've been a fake gf. I have been called a family dollar baby because I apprantly slept with my brother that doesn't exist and my father. I've been banned for logging in on the same WiFi as Pudd. Many of these things hurt. I should ignore but it's not easy sadly. It's not. Especially growing up with a father believed similar things.

Highschool was real cool. I feel like I have to many friends though. My mom returned my sophomore year at divorced my dad and we moved. But this Senior year been pretty bad. Pudd is in college and Nia dealing with her own issues. So I've become a bit insecure again. Because my sister became pregnant three times and didn't say nothing. She aborted the babies. She dropped out of College during her sophomore year as she felt "bored". She work at a low pay job and got pregnant with a dude she only knew for two weeks. The dude already has two kids. She's ask for money a lot and is very immature. I still look up to Unique and love her.

My dad feels otherwise. He contacted me after two years and tried to praise me for the first time. He found out that boys like me and I'm on top grade wise. He ask have I dated yet. I said "Yes I'm still in my first relationship. He's in college". He was impressed. But.....ummm this is where he made a wrong comment. He said "how many times you cheated. All these boys like you". That's not grammatically correct but my respond was. "I've across the thought in the almost 3 years we dated". He laughed. Something along the lines of "He cheating right now. College girls are freaks. Far surpass you".


After an argument. He called me trash and said "I don't want a skank for a daughter". He haven't spoken since. He got upset at the point of Pudd refusing to go to one of the parties because I wanted to video chat. He called me many things. It got in my head and I begun to wonder if everyone else sees me as a lovely lady, w***, Thot, or DS. D.S stands for "The act of rubber ducky". It's hard for your own father to think of you like that.

I've recently been looking at my hair recently. Seems cute to me :D. And I manage to pull Red hair off. Though I'll probably dye it within a week. Sorry if I dragged on at some points. I just wanted to tell 50% of the story. There's more things like my sister calling me desperate and my uncle saying I shouldn't been made. But there's two sides to a story. Maybe I did something to offend them. I sure hope not..... Wow look at the time! It was 10 PM when I started. It's 2:14AM now. Didn't mean to write for long. I didn't want to come off as too shy to write. I probably should take myself to bed.